Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of lost in life and extremely overwhelmed. I can’t stop thinking about the future. Will I be successful? Will I make enough income and have a steady job? Be able to live comfortably? What am I going to do with my life? What do I want to do with my life?
Seeing as I have yet to declare my major, questions like these just keep creeping up. I know that I want to so something with nutrition, but I’m not exactly sure what it is that I want to do.
I had a mini break down today after meeting with an advisor to schedule summer courses. I realized JUST how much math and science is involved in a nutrition degree – my two absolute worst subjects. I freaked out a little and started crying. Feeling as if I am not able to handle that type of work. Chemistry was my worst subject. No matter how hard I tried, I never understood. And I fear that with going the traditional nutrition route, I won’t be successful.
Since I am passionate about holistic health/nutrition, I have been advised not to go the traditional route, because all that they will teach me is conventional medicine. This has just led to more confusion and the impending question of, “what do I want to do with my life” has consumed me with anxiety.
What if I want to be a registered dietician? What if I just want to be a health coach? A personal trainer? A nutrition teacher? A preschool teacher? A blogger? What will I be most successful in?
As you can probably tell, my mind is everywhere. And I feel that once I pick my major and go that route, I’m stuck.
It almost seems scary to me. Like I’m trapped and thats the final decision and I must decide what I want to do with my life now.
I love nutrition. I love health. I want my career to have something to do with those things. But WHAT exactly do I want to do? I have no clue.
Seeing as I took a year off between high school and college, and then took my second semester of freshman year off in college, I feel waaay behind.
I’m 21 and pretty much have the credits as a freshman. Even just typing that brings tears to my eyes because I am so frustrated by that. I am so frustrated that my eating disorder controlled my life so much that it has pushed me so far behind. And again, I am extremely fearful of never being succesful. Of being a failure.
I’m quite the future thinker. My mind doesn’t stop worrying about whats next. I pretty much think of the future all day every day. Even when I’m hungry “well i’m craving an apple but I’m also craving a banana..but what if I have the banana now and then I want a banana later? Then when will I have the apple?” Yea…. like I said, QUITE the future thinker. Always planning ahead. It’s overwhelming and stressful and sometimes I wish I could just be a little more relaxed and go with the flow, but my anxious mind doesn’t allow for that.
It’s not just career stuff that I worry about. I worry that I’m never going to be independent. Like, how the heck am I going to learn how to pay taxes and handle a mortgage and make my own budget? How am I going to ever have enough money to pay off all of my student debt? Let alone save up money for my future kids to go to college.
I know that all of this may seem crazy to some people and you’re probably thinking that I need to chill tf out. But, like I said, my anxious mind does not allow for that to happen often.
It’s hard when you’re just overwhelmed by life in general. I see people my age who go to school and have full time jobs and a social life and make time for exercise and all this stuff, and are so successful. I start to wonder why I can’t handle all of that at one time? I could barely handle working, making sure to get to all of my appointments, making time for blogging, and only 3 classes. I started the year with two jobs and couldn’t handle it so had to cut down to one. That made me feel like even more of a failure. Like, why can everyone else handle so much at one time and I can’t? Its hard when you see something with two jobs, taking a full course load of classes, making time for workouts and friends, etc.. and then you realize you can’t handle all of that at one time. But thats okay. I get overwhelmed easily and I know that I do. Its something I need to work on, but I also need to be more compassionate with myself. I give myself no credit, even when I should. I get all As in my classes and instead of feeling intelligent, I just tell myself that the classes were easy. Well yea, they may have been easy but I did the work. No matter what, I earned that grade.
Anyways, this pointless little ramble is just to say, its OKAY, and to tell anyone who may be feeling this way – you are not alone.
Life is overwhelming, but its okay.
Its okay to feel like you don’t have everything together- I know I sure don’t.
Its okay to be lost and confused and not know what the next steps are.
Its okay to break down once in a while, but pick yourself back up and know that the feeling won’t last forever.
Its not like everyday is just a constant dark cloud over my head. Its not like these are my thoughts 24/7, but they do cross my mind a lot. and its okay.
You will find your path in life. You will end up wherever you are meant to be. We all have a purpose. Give yourself some credit. Slow down. Its okay to feel “behind” in life.
Its okay to not know what the future holds. Its okay to have no clue what you want to do with your life.
Just don’t let fear hold you back. Find a passion and follow it. Even if you don’t know where you’re going with it. You have time. Take it. Figure out who you are and who you want to be. What you want to be. But realize that you are not stuck there.
If today you want to be a teacher, and next month you want to be an EMT. Thats okay. You will figure it out. You have a place. You have a purpose. And you will find it one day.
And to wrap this post up – one of my favorite quotes, that I feel is so relevant right now.