Hey guys! I promise “My story : Part Two” will be up verrryy soon, but today there was something else on my mind that I wanted to talk about.
Many of you probably already know this but for those of you who don’t – I have major depression. It brings a lot of struggles to my life and drags me down every single day. I also struggle heavily with self consciousness and embarrassment, and I think my depression plays a huge roll in these two things.. I am self conscious and embarassed about EVERY little thing about myself, it goes faaaaar beyond looks ( although I am majorly self conscious about my appearance too).
I am hard on myself about everything. I overthink everything – “Did I say the right thing?” “will they think I’m weird if I say this?” “is my outfit weird?” “people are going to think i’m a loser if I stay in on a Saturday night” “does this shirt make me look fat?” – you get the point. I look in the mirror and critique every.last.thing. about myself.
But besides the looks, I’ve always been embarrassed about WHO I am, what I enjoy, and how I live my life.
Most people my age are in college, going out, and partying/drinking every weekend and ordering Domino’s pizza at 1 am. I used to do that too. I started drinking my freshman year of high school, I was 15. I spent the majority of my weekends in high school drinking and partying. I spent my freshman year of college going out almost every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night and waking up the next morning (usually more like afternoon) feeling like complete shizzz and wanting to stay in bed all day long. I felt so unhealthy. So tired and just blehh all the time. Clearly, this is not a healthy way of life, but it’s the norm for a lot of people my age, and because of that, I’ve always felt like I had to live that way, or I would be considered “weird”.
I’m 21 now, and to be honest I’m just kind of over the whole party scene. I’m over staying out and drinking till 3 am. I’m over waking up every morning/afternoon of the weekend and just feeling gross and exhausted. I’m over doing things that I don’t actually want to do just because it’s “normal” for people my age.
For the first time in forever, I’m just going to focus on myself. Focus on doing what makes ME happy, no matter what other people think. I used to be so embarrassed when I didn’t want to go out drinking with my friends. I used to even be embarrassed of my healthy eating habits. I would say “yes” to foods that I didn’t actually want, just because I didn’t want people the think it was my eating disorder forcing me to say no. Healthy eating is a lifestyle for me, it’s what I love and how I feel my best. Honestly, I still am embarrassed about these things, but I am working through it.
Now, my health comes first – mental and physical, I have goals for both. I’m not going to force myself to go out till 2 am and drink with my friends just because it’s what everyone else is doing. I’m not going to stop myself from doing things I love just because no one else wants to do them. I’m not going to say “yes” to going out for icecream just because I’ll feel judged for saying no. (Don’t get the wrong impression – I LOVE ice-cream, so when I truly want it, I will say obsiously say yes. I just mean that I will no longer say yes just because I feel I have to)
I am well aware that I live life differently than most people in my age group. I go to bed early because I love waking up early to get a workout in before my day starts. I love having routine in my life. I love being on a schedule, because it truly does help me mentally. I love having productive days. If you know me, you know I can NOT sit around the house doing nothing all day. You know that I have to get out and run some type of errands or create a household “chore” for me to do. I can’t sit around watching tv or laying in my bed all day. Part of this is because of my depression, I get sad and depressed if I do these things, so I need to be out and about. Typically, if someone asks me to do something spontaneously, without thinking I say yes, and typically this throws off my whole schedule – causing my depression and anxiety to heighten. I know I can’t live on a schedule every single day, and that sometimes it’s nice just to do things spontaneously with friends, but if I know it will only hinder my mental health, I just need to say no from now on. I think I am the way I am because of all of the struggle I’ve been through. It really has forced me to grow and has shaped me into the person I am today.
The hard part is, this lifestyle gets lonely and sometimes, my depression eats away at me because of it. My depression is still something I heavily struggle with. I’m by myself a lot, and I feel lonely a lot, because I really do not know anyone who has interests that are similar to mine. I don’t have anyone who wants to wake up early with me to go to the gym, or to try a new workout class (I really hate solo workouts, so I wish I did). I don’t have anyone that wants to go explore a new whole foods (hello yup I am a nutrition nerd if you haven’t realized!!!) or go find a new healthy food spot. I don’t have anyone that would rather stay in with me on a Saturday night or who prioritizes their health like I do. I get frustrated with this often. I criticize myself for the way I live on the daily.
Last night, (a Saturday), all of my friends were out drinking, while I was at home roasting up my veggies for the week and going to bed at 11 PM so I could wake up for my early morning workout. I started feeling lonely and second guessing myself. I started feeling sad about how I choose to live my life – my depression kicked in. Today, I tried pure barre and a new healthy little cafe for the first time, all by myself. Now don’t get me wrong, I love solo adventures and alone time, but sometimes it does feel lonely. I wish I had someone who enjoyed a lifestyle like this. I’m thankful for my friends that I’ve met through Instagram who embrace a healthy lifestyle, but you guys don’t live close enough!!
I’m still struggling with embarrassment about how I choose to live my life, but like I said, I’m done letting this force me into things that I really don’t want to do – of course I will still go out with my friends from time to time when I truly want to, but for me, it can’t be an every weekend thing. Putting my health first is my new thing. I’m not going to let the loneliness or the embarrassment get in the way of that anymore. Why should I be embarrassed of living a healthy lifestyle?! It truly sounds crazy when I think about it.
The point in me saying all of this is – DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Stop saying yes to things you really don’t want to do. Stop putting the things you love to the side just to fit in with everyone else. YOU DO YOU and focus on what brings you joy in life. Don’t be afraid to spend some time by yourself!
As for me, I’m going to continue going to bed early. I’m going to continue waking up early to go to the gym, or try a new workout class by myself. If I want to go out with my friends, or sleep in and go get chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast with a friend, I’m going to do that too! I’m going to continue to share my love for health, fitness, nutrition. If I find a healthy food spot that I’m DYING to try?! I’ll go by myself. This year, I am focusing on me. I am focusing on my health and happiness and putting it above everything else – for the first time in my life!! I’m doing what I want to do. I’m doing what will make ME happy. I’m done trying to mold myself into a person that I am not, just for the sake of fitting in.
2017 – I am making you my healthiest year yet, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY. (and trying my absolute hardest not to let embarrassment and my depression stop me!!)